THE WHAT IFS
The What Ifs are a rock band from Stamford, CT consisting of Keith Petrower and Mike Meno. The duo released their first album in August 2005: a rock opera entitled The Pizza War.
"Sometime in the early twenty-first century, a band of aliens came to Earth with orders to destroy a house..."
So begins The Pizza War, the story of a pizza delivery boy and vice principal who get caught up in an intergalactic fast food conflict. The protagonists are introduced in "Pizza Dude" as the pizza boy commits a minor traffic violation while on delivery. The do-right vice principal witnesses the infraction and recognizes the pizza boy as his former student. He suspects the pizza boy is "up to no damn good" and begins to follow him.
Both the pizza boy and vice principal are surprised, however, when they arrive at a house that has just been destroyed by aliens. After calling his boss for advice, the pizza boy cautiously enters the house and finds a badly-injured alien named Brinkley. Brinkley enthusiastically tells the pizza boy about an intergalactic war between two fast food chains: Gallahad's, a clean, affordable and healthy restaurant that Brinkley founded, and Galaxio's, a greedy corporation run by the evil Voltran. The success of both restaurants and the outcome of their bitter conflict is hinged on which company can retrieve Earth's prized delicasy: pizza.
With his last dying words, Brinkley instructs the pizza boy to deliver the pizza to the Gallahad's cavalry at Clam's Casino. This particular pizza will be the restaurant's model for universal production. The vice principal, who has been spying from a distance, follows as the pizza boy embarks on his mission. While on his way, the pizza boy is attacked and cornered by a monstrous alien sent by Voltran. Just in the nick of time, the vice principal steps in and defends the pizza boy. They defeat the alien and continue on the journey together.
The pizza boy and vice principal arrive safely at Clam's Casino. They are greeted by the Gallahad's aliens and it appears their mission is completeuntil Voltran unexpectedly bursts in with his evil Galaxio's troops and a vicious secret weapon called The Big Thing. An epic battle ensues between the good and evil restaurants. At its climax, the pizza boy and vice principal throw anchovies into The Big Thing's gigantic jaws. The monster is disgusted and defeated, and the unlikely heroes are praised for their help in Gallahad's improbable victory.
The heroes celebrate briefly, and then the Gallahad's commander asks the pizza boy and vice principal to join them as they depart from Earth. There are still numerous other battles against evil elsewhere in the galaxy, and the Gallahad's army "could use a few good men like you." Both the pizza boy and vice principal consider the proposal, then excitedly accept what they now believe they were "meant to do."
The final track of the rock opera is sung by a chorus of talking pizzas from the distant future. In their time, pizzas have evolved into a super-intelligent life form, and their most treasured story is the tale of the pizza boy and the vice principal. Across the universe, the epic is now known as The Pizza War.